This is a message to my cats.
Dear George and Layla,
This is something important that you should know – I’ve never liked cats! If I was at a friend’s house and they had a cat(s), I’d need to be in a separate room, even if it meant me getting up and walking out. If I was offered food in a cat owners house I would be very reluctant, as cats on food surfaces makes me feel ill. Cats are fickle, I don’t like how they pick and choose when it’s attention time. I don’t like that cats bum holes are always on show, it just doesn’t seem right. But when I agreed to have you two little mites, I put these feelings aside.
I wanted a pet. Chris has always had cats (I’m more of a dog person myself), so I agreed that I’d give kittens a go. You were tiny, adorable and very innocent, I used to be excited to see you, I’d say I grew to love you as I knew I would. I watched you grow, I witnessed your personalities develop, we even snuggled at times and I enjoyed having you around, but now things are starting to get to me. These things have been going on for a while, I’ve tried to remain calm, but you need to know.
1. The kitchen surfaces are for us humans to prepare food, they need to be clean, they don’t want to be hairy or/and dirty! We don’t even know where you’ve been!! Also we’ve bought you a lovely warm, comfy basket – so stop sleeping on the bloody cooker!!
2. Rummaging through other people’s bins is stupid, stop bringing us stale bread and chicken thighs, we spend enough on food for you as it is you ungrateful cretins! Also bin juice stinks, don’t attempt to walk on me after you’ve been on bin missions, it’s gross.
3. Frogs and leaves were novel, they aren’t anymore! And you know the screaming sound the frog makes, that means he’s not happy, so leave him alone!!
4. If the bedroom door is closed, take the hint – don’t fucking scratch it and make stupid crying noises when you don’t even want to tell us anything important. Important just for the record would be something like ‘there is a bear in the garden’ – do you get me??
5. Mice/voles – dead or alive = no fun. Scaring them so much that they hide underneath the toilet seat, yes the toilet seat is a disgrace! I almost had a heart attack when I lifted up the toilet seat to see what the brown long thing dangling down was - I only wanted a piss!!!
6. Birds. Now this really, REALLY, REALLY is taking the biscuit now! It started with this tiny little dead bird you plonked by your food bowl, this made me sad, however I understand that it’s nature. Then came the horrific time where you brought a bird in through the cat flap, you flew through the hall with it and it literally crapped all over the wall and the front door, then you ran back with the poor things and left him pulsing on the kitchen floor and I chased you out, god I was petrified! I do not know what to do with dying birds. I made some phone calls while the poor bird suffered ‘what do I do’ I asked Chris ‘ Oh you’ll have to stamp on it and kill it’ he said to my horror ‘ I’ll tell you for free I ain’t doing that!!’ I screamed ‘ Oh you have to’ – ‘No!!’ I then rang his Mum – she suggested I open the back door, get some fresh air in – you bloody cats were just staring in from the garden – I was soo not letting you back in, you cruel bastards. Luckily after about 15 minutes and some fresh air the bird flew out of the kitchen and over the garden, the relief for us both me and birdy, I imagine was immense!
Then there was that occassion when I’d come home from work and you’d decorated the kitchen with feathers and left a poor birds carcass by the cat flap (half a carcass really) - cheers for that, I love hoovering, cleaning and picking up dead things after work.
AND then there was this morning, this morning made me say the words ‘ I don’t want these cats anymore Chris, they do my head in more than you and that is epic!’ All I wanted was a cuppa and some toast in the kitchen, you know cats, the place where we eat and prepare food etc… it would appear though that you have started to prepare food here too, you twats! There were drops of blood pattered around, there were a set of bird legs by your bowl and there were yet again feathers everywhere! Chris didn’t want waking up, he is on holiday this week, but I tell you for free cats, I was not doing it!!!!!
It may have been the fact that I was tired, or it may be the fact cats that you are taking the fucking piss! So George and Layla, know that you are treading on very thin, melting ice with me as I actually don’t want to be your friend at all at the moment – and until you change your murdering ways, I’m not sure I will.
I hope you understand and I hope you will work hard to improve things.
The ball is now in your court.
No love right now.